Funny Girls of Fertility

It'll All Get Better in Time


I was studying at Starbucks today because I obviously do nothing besides study since starting my graduate program.  This Starbucks was playing all the jams of 2007, and just like that I was inspired to write again!

A little background story.  A very good friend of mine went through IVF.  She ended up with three embryos, but only one of them made it.  She transferred that one embryo, and now has an extremely cute little baby.  She went through a lot to get to this point though.  Only having that one embryo at the time of transfer, praying this one would stay put.  It was emotionally draining for her.  She thought, just like everyone else, she would get married, and start her family shortly after with no trouble.  No one in her family had suffered from infertility, it wasn't something she thought she would have to deal with.

Nine months flew by and when her baby popped his gorgeous head into this world she was thankful that he was here, but something was off.  I think when dealing with infertility you go through SO MUCH, like a ridiculous amount.  It's emotionally draining, all you can think about is having a baby.  Your priorities are all in the land of baby.  You lose track of everything else because you are CONSUMED.  You may feel frantic, like you're grasping at straws because you want it SO bad.  Then it happens.  

Your baby arrives and everyone is ecstatic for you, hell you're happy too but you still feel off.  You might feel guilty for feeling off?! 

Children are life changing.  Your hormones are going to be bonkers.  Once you've spent 30 plus years (or however old you are) just taking care of yourself, and then you have this tiny human to take care of, it can be overwhelming.  For example, my friend is a badass, she's independent as all get out, she's hard working.  She went through a lot of changes and now has a baby to take care of.  Add to it; she left her job, and she is as hormonal as a tsunami. (Sometimes I don't make sense, and I'm okay with that).  She didn't feel as happy as she thought she was supposed to feel. 

Society puts some real shit on women, you know?!  Like pop out a baby and act like you're still shitting rainbows, posting gorgeous photos on social media of yourself with your newborn, and your perfectly clean home.  IT'S NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE.  For those of you that can do that, bravo, that's impressive.  If you've gone through infertility and don't feel over the moon happy 24/7 now that you have the baby you've waited your whole life for, don't beat yourself up.  Some days (sometimes weeks) really F'ing suck.  

I have those days all the time.  I might not have dealt with infertility, but I do know the feeling of thinking you have everything you want and still not feeling happy.  I've felt extremely guilty about it.  The guilt built up and made me feel even worse about myself.   Don't beat yourself up just because you aren't shitting thank you notes of gratitude for getting the life you've always wanted.  

Now for the song that inspired me. There once was a time I never thought I would be over Mitch.  That little douche canoe turned 30 yesterday, and I didn't even think of him until I saw the date today.  I never thought I would get here. ((I absolutely love making jokes about him because he HATED if I ever talked about him publicly, for obvious reasons #NachoTwat.)) Leona Lewis said it best, "I'm gonna smile because I deserve to, it'll all get better in time."  And it does.  The bad times don't last forever, lonely feelings will sink away, and you'll get use to whatever your new normal is. If you still feel a basic bitch like me. Go to Starbucks, get a cheese danish (or Pumpkin Spiced Latte for you real basics, jk love y'all.. Boop), and hopefully they'll be playing some jams to cheer you up, at least momentarily. :) It'll all get better in time.


Being Different


How many times have you heard, "you're different now"?!

I saw someone post the other day on Instagram that they weren't invited to a recent family function because they were acting "different" and closed off.  The reason she was acting this way is because she had recently suffered through a miscarriage, and just wasn't up to faking the funk.  Instead of being supportive and understanding of a tough situation, her family decided to cut her out (at least momentarily).

You're for sure "different" when dealing with infertility.  You can become impatient wondering how long all this shit is going to continue on for.  You can become cold because you are tired of seeing everyone around you get pregnant, and you may not feel like being happy for them. You can become numb because you don't want to deal with the hurt that comes with every roadblock along the way of becoming pregnant.  You can see the positives of being "different" though as well; you may be impatient, but once you get to the goal you may realize you are actually more patient than you ever imagined.  You may have been a huge titty baby before infertility crying over a paper cut, when now you're Betty Badass injecting yourself with all sorts of meds. You may go through hell to get there, but once you do you'll realize how strong you actually are.

I know my big changes that have made me different have been through relationships.  My recent one, the lovely NachoTwat, was probably the roughest on me.  I'm not who I was before that relationship.  I'm harder now, I have walls bigger than the Great Wall of China up, I'm cold, and I trust less. I'm for sure happier than I was though.  I'm super focused on improving myself, currently going through graduate school to become a nurse practitioner.  I'm volunteering, putting myself in situations that I'm not terribly comfortable with.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway

Where I was "broken" (relationships), I'm stronger now.  I value myself more than I ever have.  I know my worth, and I know my standards.  If it weren't for that little troll and his NachoTwat of a baby mama, I wouldn't be here.

For myself, I know that I can make it through whatever life is going to throw at me (although I hope it takes it easy until at least 2019 because I can't handle school plus random shit storms).  Try to see the sliver of light in the cracks of your life, one day it will all be perfectly pieced together.

Scrub Life


Urbane by Landau

It's totally scary jumping into new things.  If you are new to the world of infertility or just making a huge life change.

I made that kind of decision in my mid 20's and I'm so glad I did.  When I was in college at Oklahoma State, my dream was to be a history teacher.  I'm the most impatient person in the world so I would actually be a horrible teacher, and I don't even have a passion for history (trust me, I confuse myself).  My Dad said that I was way too expensive to be a teacher anyway which is when I decided to switch to business.  After graduating I worked in the oil industry for a little while.  What a passionless job that was for me too.  I thought, "what the hell, this is all life has to offer me."  I didn't feel like I was doing anything rewarding or that helped others.  Which is what I was the most passionate about.  

It was scary as heck going back to college and being one of the "older" people in class (even though I know I was still pretty young).  It was seriously the best decision I have ever made in my life.  It not only helped me pursue a career I am MUCH more interested in, but it's allowed me to help so many people.  From my fertility blog to my medical mission trip to Haiti.  These things wouldn't have been possible if I wouldn't have taken that risk. 

Now about to jump back into school to obtain my Master's in Nursing.  It's like you kind of forget what school is like when you've been out for a while.  It's hard work, it's stressful, and I shed more tears in nursing school than probably I have in my entire 32 years of living, UT is killer y'all.  They don't play.

When I started nursing school there for my undergrad, one of the things I was most excited about was wearing scrubs.  I had been in the corporate world where I had to really think about my outfit every day.  It was fun to actually wear clothes that were comfortable, cute, and still fit me well.  I started out in Landau scrubs my first day of school, and now coming back full circle starting grad school out in my newest Landau scrubs.

Urbane by Landau


Purchase at

New things are always scary.  Change is scary.  I have to remind myself that you only live once.  I wasn't going to spend my days wasting away in the oil field not serving anyone.  Now I can envision a life of fulfillment through helping others.  If your life dream is switching careers, pursuing parenthood, or going to the fucking moon, DO IT!  One day you'll be old as heck, and I personally don't want to live with any regrets!

Try and Try Again


Stick with me here because I got a whole lot of feelings going on right now.

I think one of the scariest things (amongst a sea of scary things) when dealing with infertility is trying again after a failed cycle.   I don't know how some of y'all do it, for reals.  Giving everything you have cycle after cycle and not getting the outcome you've been dreaming of has got to be beyond defeating.  

One of my most memorable patients (and up there on my list of favorites) probably would have scared most.  She was a tough cookie, she looked a little sketchy like she could pull a knife out of her bra and shank you at any minute, but I liked her (I obviously kind of enjoy living on the edge).  She got pregnant quickly after her first IVF cycle with twins (PGS tested), but ended up losing both of them around 10 weeks. Shocking, I know since they were tested.  It was devastating, and I think her husband cried more than any man I've ever seen which was heartbreaking on its own.  I didn't know when they would be ready to try again, but when she came back, she came with guns blazing (figurative guns).  She was so ready, and just had the best attitude ever. She had lost some weight, had quick smoking, and was overall trying to be better.  It worked because she ended up getting pregnant after her first FET since her loss, and now has a healthy baby girl.

Rebounding from such a tragic event is amazing to me.  I can try to empathize the best that I can, but not living it, I just see so much strength in couples' ability to continue after situations like this.  Facing their fears of transferring their last PGS embryo after losing two that they thought for 10 weeks were a sure thing, takes a complete leap of faith.

This is where my feelings come in.  Starting over for me is scary too, although extremely different, still scary.  

  1. What happens if the next one is a sociopathic weirdo just like the littlest country singer in all the land?
  2. What if I get hurt again? (2,230,308 time, but who's keeping track)

But really what I'm the most afraid of is that I will never feel what I felt with the unmentionable person.  It was intense.  I know that intense isn't always good, but I love change, adventure, excitement, the unknown and with him I got ALL that (and more).  I never really knew what was to come.  I bounced from city to city getting to experience things I never had, becoming more independent with each trip.  Even though I could tell you 100 bad things about him and the relationship, I don't know if anything will ever be able to match the fun and excitement I felt during most of the last year of my life, and THAT is scary.  Whoever comes along next is going to have the biggest, littlest (get it; because Mitch was so tiny?!?) shoes to fill.  Not because he was a superstar guy that treated me amazing, but because those feelings were off the chart. Gwen says it best, "I don't know why I cry, but I think it's because I remembered for the first time since I hated you, that I used to love you."  Tough pill to swallow y'all (and side note; I don't cry but that song is legit). 

Starting over is scary whether it's infertility, a job, or in my case endless shit relationships :) Persistence pays off.  Patience gets you further.  Resilience keeps you in the game.

Advice Column


Have you noticed how good people are at throwing advice your way?

I swear everyone is an expert at something these days.  I remember when I use to get on social media, and be bored by the mundane day to day stuff people use to post.  Now I'm annoyed because everyone is a life coach, fitness expert, nutritional genius, professional advice columnist. 

Last week Garth traveled through the great state of Oklahoma.   Where he goes, that shit head Mitch goes.  I didn't even realize he was in Oklahoma (because I don't follow that life anymore) until my phone started blowing up with friends telling me they were going to the concert, and would most likely see that little guy opening for him.  Of course I was asked, "Are you Okay?" "How are you feeling?"  Well not fucking great to be honest. It was like a wave of all those past feelings came crashing back over me.  I was given advice like "you should avoid social media", "you probably shouldn't even respond to text about him."  Yeah, thanks fucking geniuses let me get on avoiding the inevitable barrage of social media Garth post that are about to ensue.   

I got the same advice mid-relationship (during the bad times).  "You shouldn't respond when he tries to talk to you." "You should end it with him."  Okay, so maybe some of these assholes were right, but when you are in the midst of something and only you know how you feel, it's hard to listen to anyone else.

Social media might be the worst about this.   Everyone and their dog telling you to keep your feet warm or eat some damn pineapple to get pregnant.  If it were that easy don't you think a lot more people would do just that?  A friend of mine recently went through her final FET process, and asked if I thought that stuff would help.  I told her honestly, I think its all mental, and you should be true to yourself.  Now true to her was putting on some Bad and Boujee, eating a moderately healthy diet, and just being relaxed.  She didn't have all this voodoo shit she felt compelled to do just because that's what everyone else was doing.   I mean if that's your thing; put those socks on, eat the shit out of some pineapple (or purchase some clothing that has a ton of pineapples on it because obviously that's the new craze), spin around in a circle 4 times, and pray that everything works out.  What works for someone else might not work for you.  

Some people may do better in my situation staying off social media and pretending as if Mitch never existed.  For me, I'm all about facing what happened, feeling and working through the hurt.  No one can give you better advice than yourself, but if you seek advice from others and don't listen to it you're just an ask-hole. :)  Find your balance.

Begin Again


Like a dang Taylor Swift song..

One of the questions I dislike answering the most, "How long should I wait to try again?"  (After a failed FET, failed IVF cycle, or a miscarriage.)

First of all, there could be health reasons that could hinder your ability to jump right back in, a few examples; your HCG isn't to 0, your progesterone is high, your ovaries are still the size of basketballs.  Physiologically the answer can be easy, you need to wait until your body is ready.  Emotionally is a whole other ball game.

People in general are so quick to jump to the next thing.  My life example of course is going to be relationships because if you read my blog, you know I do NOT get a gold star in that area.

I knew after my #NachoTwat fiasco it was going to take me time to process the whirlwind of emotions I had dealt with over the last year.  I wasn't myself immediately after it all went to shit.  Slowly, I feel like I'm getting back there, but if I'm being totally honest I still think about him on the rare occasion.  Oddly, I don't harbor too many ill feelings toward Mitch, mostly because I'm a big believer in karma, and when that shit hits him it ain't gonna be pretty.  I never put a time frame on when I needed to fully heal from this, and I think just taking my time to get over it has helped me tremendously.  I don't feel the need to replace that empty feeling that accompanies the end of a relationship.  I learned to enjoy my "me time" more than I even did before.  I know when I'm ready to try again, hopefully with a non-musician douche, I'll be able to give 100% of myself.

I see women go through failed cycles, lose PGS normal embryos, you can tell they are still a hot fucking mess, but they jump right back in again.  They don't give themselves time to heal emotionally, and this shit is traumatic y'all.  I think a big part of why they jump back in is time.  In general people are scared to "waste" time because no one is getting younger, and it's scary not knowing when it will finally work out for you.  

One lady, for example, went through a horribly traumatic event.  She lost her child to a domestic violence incident.  She didn't inform anyone of what she had been through during her consult.  Some red flags started to pop up and we soon found out that she had just lost her child just 3 months before coming in for treatment.  Obviously this is an extreme example, but I still think grief is an important process that a lot of people tend to skip over.  ((*Side note: she didn't go through with treatment because she had to pass psych clearance.))

In no way am I saying that there is a set time table for grieving, I understand it's different for everyone.  Be it 2 days, 2 months, 2 years, everyone gets there on their own time, but I think it's important not to rush it.  I mean unless you're like 55 and have to get pregnant this second because well, legalities. :I 

A big part of the fertility game is emotional, and no matter if your body is ready or not, if your head ain't in the game my advice is don't do it.  I say the same thing to myself when I'm thinking of entertaining anything seriously.  I'm really just enjoying life (and cheese danish, Cheetohs, tacos, queso) and taking it day by day!




Someone I have grown close to (not a patient) was about to go through the transfer process, and she didn't want anyone to know since this was her last embryo, her last hoorah.  She didn't want the barrage of questions that come post-transfer, even if the questions were coming from a good place.  She ended up telling one of her friends who was already pregnant, and I think she instantly regretted it.  After she opened that can of worms of course she was asked, "when will you know" "how are you feeling?"  Going through the transfer process is stressful enough.  Most women are nervous as shit without having to deal with other people wanting to (kindly) stick their nose in their business.  Setting boundaries for people who have good intentions is hard because you really don't want to come across as a dick, but when dealing with fertility issues your sanity is pretty dang important.  Letting the people in your life know what you're going through, and the place that they can have in the process is important.  Those who haven't dealt with fertility issues have no idea what it’s like; so to them asking, "are you pregnant yet?" might seem innocent while you're mentally murdering them when those words slip out of their dirty mouths. (Kidding, kind of.)

This is oh so personal for me.

I have lacked boundaries a good majority of my life.  I mentioned in my last blog how my relationship with my Mom is nonexistent.  She was the start of my lack of life boundaries.

My mother isn't your typical mom.  Pretty sure she never wanted me, and she let that be known for most of my life.  I let her treat me however she felt, and the loon she is her feelings for me changed as often as the fucking wind.    My mother said horrible things to me my entire life, never hugged me, never said she loved me.

 For instance; I graduated from college with my first bachelor’s degree in 3 years because my brother told me I couldn't (thanks, Justin).  Was my mom happy for me?! Absolutely not.  After I walked across the stage my mom was in a bad mood about something, came up to me and said, "You only graduated from college, why do you think you deserve more than a pat on the back."  Let me add I was the first person from my immediate family to graduate from college, and the first person from my Dad's side to ever graduate from college.  To me it was a big deal.  I let my mom say what she needed, and I said nothing back.

When I got married (WAY too young) my mom came with me after my dress was altered. In my head I envisioned one of those movie like scenes where the bride walks out in the dress, and the mother of the bride cries tears of happiness; then I remembered this was my mom.   I walked out and she looked at me and said, "You look short."  She never said anything else, not even on my wedding day.  Again, I took her snide remarks, and just kept trekking along.

Those two examples may seem small, but they were pretty important moments to me, my mother made me feel like shit and I said nothing.  I let her hurt my feelings and cross boundaries continuously.  This is just a very tiny example of how every day of my life was with this woman.

This carried on to other parts of my life as well.  Obviously the guy I married had little respect for my boundaries (The Colombia scandal, read like 15 blogs back if you're interested).  Mitch didn't know what the word boundary even meant (#NachoTwat, 3 blogs back).  I was so afraid that if I told these people that how they were acting wasn't acceptable to me, that they would leave.  I let people cross my boundaries my entire life because all I knew was to keep people happy without caring how it made ME feel.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.

My lack of boundaries is probably different than most, but either way it's important to maintain them with whatever situation life is throwing at you.  

 My give a shit about upsetting people if they cross my boundaries is at an all-time low.  I think I realized I don't want anyone in my life (including my mother) who is going to make me unhappy in any way.   Life is too wonderful to let too many assholes linger around :)

Lessons Learned


I know I'm extremely cynical.  I never believed in all that "you live and you learn, everything happens for a reason" bullshit.  All the cliché things that I thought people said just to make themselves feel better.  

I'm 32 years old and I've suffered from discontentment my entire life. My childhood was less than ideal.  My Mom is kind of a looney toon (and by kind of, I mean a major loon).  My parents were divorced when I was 5 or 6.  I went through multiple Step-Dads, and a lot of time where my Mother was less than Motherly (that's being really kind to her).  She never hugged me, never said she was proud of me, for sure never said she loved me.  Currently I haven't heard from my mom in two years.  I learned to accept that I'm not one of those people who will ever have an awesome Mother/Daughter relationship.  I probably won't ever have a relationship with her at all to be honest.

I think through my experiences I've become hard.  How I grew up, I always felt like I had to prove myself.   I wanted to be the best at everything, and always wanted more.  I needed a vacation every 3 months.  I had to have a monthly goal be it; a half-marathon, another degree, going to Haiti on my medical mission trip.  I pushed myself to a crazy point and whenever I reached the goal I set, I still wasn't happy.

Then comes ol' Mitchy boy and Nacho Twat.  When I met Mitch (the country singer; for those of y'all not up to speed go back about 3 blogs) I was SO excited.  I mean how fun is it to travel along on the Garth Brooks World Tour.  I thought this was it, this was what was FINALLY going to make me happy.

He broke my heart.  (Shattered it; would probably be more accurate.)  Shit just wasn't meant to work out for me.  I wasn't happy before Mitch, I wasn't happy with him, and post-Nacho I thought I might be one of those people who will just never be happy.

A few days after #NachoTwat2017, I went for a run.  I live in a beautiful city called The Woodlands.  It's like living in the damn enchanted forest where squirrels are high-fiving and birds are singing songs on your shoulder.  It's a Disney movie just north of Houston.  Any who... I went for a run and I was going through this break in the trees where the sun was shining through, and I had the BIGGEST smile on my face like a damn idiot.  Smiling at the trees.  For the first time in 32 years I realized I was TRULY content.

I wasn't beating myself up for not breaking a 9-minute mile.  I wasn't worried about if Mitch was going to reach out to me (obviously burnt that bridge, thank God).  I wasn't worried about when my mother was going to actually act like an adult.  I wasn't worried about when my next vacation was or what my next goal was.  I was happy being me; running a super slow mile in 500-degree humid ass Houston.

Every day since then I've woken up happy as a clam.  I notice everything now, I'm so present in the moment.  If it weren't for Mitch and Nacho I would NEVER be here.  So although he broke my heart, although I thought I would NEVER get over him, although my life went from a different city every weekend to never leaving The Woodlands, I'm content.

Sometimes painful things can teach us lessons that we didn't think we needed to know.  My lesson was contentment.

I know infertility is different, but I also know that through the struggles you become stronger.  Through the loss you learn to appreciate more. You can say I'm full of shit because a month ago I would have agreed with you, but once you get to that moment where everything in your life finally adds up, you'll look back and say, "By golly, that Bitch had a point." :)

Ending to Begin


Well as the world knows, my relationship came to a rough end recently.  

In December we had taken a "break", but he told me he wanted me to wait because once he got his shit together (baby mama aka #Nachotwat) we would work everything out.  If you are an avid reader of my blog you know I truly did believe this, I would have waited however long it took.  I wanted it more than anything.  That's sad to admit knowing how this all ended, but it's the truth.  No matter how horrible he was to me (and trust me, he was horrible) I still wanted it to work.  He made me feel so unworthy, that sticking through this was my way of proving to him that I was way more badass than he gave me credit for.  

I'm into numerology and stuff that maybe not everyone is into.  Before I went to Kansas City I saw the number "999" everywhere.  I couldn't shake it.  I looked it up because obviously something was going on.  I read that 999 meant, "a certain aspect of your life is about to come to a close".  I started to pretend like I didn't see it, I was scared.  I didn't know what the shit was going to happen if this ended.   I went to every city Garth has toured in since July 2016 (which is a lot, my United points are impressive).  I couldn't imagine my life going from a busy travel schedule to NOTHING.  

Obviously, KC ended disastrously.  

My friends that know me well, know how tightly I hung onto this "relationship".  They probably thought I was nuts because they knew how shitty he was to me, yet I clung on like this guy was a damn gem.  "Make believe Mitch" was 1 in a million to me, real Mitch is a fucking dime a douche-al dozen.  Not sure if douche-al is a word, but I'm running with it.  

So here I was with nothing really planned for my future.  I had just lost this person who was a huge part of my life, and I didn't know what I was going to do (I was a lost soul).

Terrified of what my next step was, I got my shit together and everything started going right.  

Some of Mitch's ex-girlfriends (and friends) reached out to me to confirm they lived through the same exact manipulation and straight horribleness that I did. 

 #NachoTwat was a damn hit and a half.  

The boys started blowing my phone up like it always should have been blown up (kidding).

I became a member at an awesome golf course.

 I was accepted into the University of Texas for graduate school (Hello Nurse Practitioner).  This is an even bigger bonus because when I told Shit-bag that I was applying his response was super insecure, he wasn't happy that I was now going to have 3 college degrees and might be "too fancy" for him.  Boy bye.

What I realized is that every ending is really just a new beginning.  I didn't believe that when I was in the thick of it.  When I was SO down I couldn't see that I would eventually have a happy ending, in time things will work themselves out, and I would end up exactly where I'm meant to.

 Just like when dealing with the ups and downs of infertility.  When you get a negative beta or bad news, it may feel endless.   It's dark as all get out, and you can't see the f'ing light.  I've been there.  Trust me, it's scary not knowing which direction your life is going.  It's even scarier thinking that what you want most in life may not happen.  

When I let go of the direction I "thought" my life should go is when everything went right.  When you feel fucking HOPELESS, I mean to the point where you can't even enjoy jamming to The Biebs on a sunny day hopeless, know that it won't be like that forever. 

Life works out in funny ways.  I don't entirely know where I'm going to end up, but what I do know is I got out of a really bad situation, and I am genuinely happy now.  It's refreshing y'all. 



I kind of touched on this in my last blog, about how you can get so consumed with something in your life that you can't think about anything else.  Obviously mine was (very unfortunately) a country artist.  Puke.

Ever since that infamous Kansas City weekend, I feel like a different person.  I don't think I was really happy for the last 10 plus months. I was trying to force something that I knew all along wasn't right for me.  There is no way I could have lived that lifestyle.  The constant traveling, and the barrage of girls that I'm sure this douche loved behind my back.  It just wasn't for me.  I was SO consumed by it all that I didn't even think of myself.  I lost me in all this mess.

I know infertility is all encompassing as well.  I mean I guess it's good for me because you read my blog :)   But do you ever feel like you get lost in it too!?!  Like the only thing you can talk to your friends about is your fertility struggle. Through my career and personally through friends/family that have been through fertility treatments I know that's how they were living; eat, breathe, and sleep fertility. 

Now that we have made it through one of the worst days of the year for those dealing with infertility (Mother's Day), and I'm going on two weeks free of #nachotwat 2017, maybe we should look at it like a fresh start.  For those of you who have lost yourself in the constant Googling, the Instagram hashtag searches from hell, the message boards that I don't even mess with, maybe just take a few days and free yourself from it.  

When you are consumed with something other parts of your life suffer.  Hell, I don't even know how I still have friends after this last year.  I managed to keep up with my blog because I had so many damn emotions inside me that I had to get them out through writing, so I guess that's one positive that came from my situation.   When you do get to that positive pregnancy test or to the point where you are done trying, I don't want you to live with the same regrets I'm living with right now.  Don't look back and think, "why did I have NO life besides dealing with infertility."  

If I put as much energy into something positive as I did into him, I'd probably be like Gandhi right now.  Maybe far-fetched, but you get the point.  

"What consumes your mind controls your life."

Seeing the silver lining of my shit situation, my eyes have definitely been opened to maintain better balance in life!

Behind the Scenes


You know when you get so consumed by something that you can't even think about anything else?  Be it fertility treatments, a relationship, a job, whatever your vice is.

 I was there.  Complete consumption.  I didn't think of much other than my relationship.  It started last July, and it seemed magical.  He's a country artist (I don't want to say his name because he doesn't deserve to be Googled) who was opening for my FAVORITE country artist of all time (which is how we met).  When he came out on stage I turned to my friends and said, “this is my guy.”  I never knew that statement would actually be (somewhat) true.

He wooed the shit out of me.  Dark hair, dark eyes, extremely charming, hilarious, with an amazing (yet sociopathic) voice.  I was completely blinded by this guy.  He told me his home situation which was that he had a child, but he and the mother weren't together anymore.  He still supported her because that was the "right thing" to do.

I was like, "wow, what a stand up guy."  He isn't married, they hadn't dated for long, and he isn't running away like a typical douche musician.  We started talking (long distance of course) and from there I went to every city he was touring in.  I did everything for him.  I thought this was IT for me.  I finally found my happy ending, and what a mother F'ing magical unicorn ending this is, right?  

Wrong.  Very, very wrong.

After a few months the image of who I thought he was started to fade into the person he actually is. It was awful.  I was manipulated, I was controlled.  I'm a strong-willed, stubborn, independent individual.. by the end of all this I had zero self-worth.  I didn't even recognize myself anymore.  I was told what to wear, how to talk, it was nuts, but he said he only did it because he cared about me and I had never been cared about like I was now (can we say manipulative? But I bought it, he’s good people).  Before July if someone would have told me what to do they would have been kicked in the nuts, but for some reason my logical, reasonable, educated brain went out the window. I can probably tell you why, I got sucked into the dream.

Shit hit the fan when I went to visit him in Kansas City last weekend.  Nothing he was saying made sense to me.  I decided to get in touch with his baby mama because;

  1. I've been cheated on a time or two
  2. I wanted the truth for myself
  3. I knew reaching out to her would put the last nail in my coffin.  I knew he would HATE me if I did this, and I know he is SO good at manipulating people that I could have easily been sucked back in by him.

I bet you can guess how this all ended.  Everything was a lie (and I am for sure not the only person he had been lying to).  He actually didn't break up with this girl when he said. How naive am I?!

I thought she would appreciate me calling, being honest.  Trust me it is NOT easy putting yourself in this kind of situation.  I WAS LIED TO, yet I felt the need to be honest with someone I didn't owe shit to.  

As nervous as I was to do it, I called her.  The conversation went HORRIBLY.  I think I was called "fucking stupid" about 573 times in a 22-minute conversation.  This girl was a real gem, y'all.  I like to refer to her as Nacho Twat because she sounded like she was eating nachos when talking, and she's a twat hence Nacho Twat.  She hated me.  She didn't believe me.  I was coming from a good place, girl to girl I was trying to look out for her.  She tried to convince me I was a bad person which obviously is the furthest thing from the truth.  Let me reiterate I WAS LIED TO AS WELL.  I was manipulated just as much as she had been over the course of this “relationship”! (I use that term lightly because I was obviously the only one taking it seriously.)

She gave him an ultimatum that he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore or she would take his son and run (real mature of her).  I had zero intentions of ever talking to this douche again (remember that last nail I put in MY own damn coffin).  She didn’t stop there, she also let me know I was never to contact him again.  Okay Kim Jong-un, I'm totally going to listen to you.  I'm an adult and make my own decisions, and if I had to choose between talking to this 130lb country douche or removing all my own teeth with a dirty pocket knife therefore having to live off Suja juice for the rest of my life, you bet your ass I'm buying stock in Suja.

For the last 10 months, my feelings and blogs have been tied to him in some way or another.  I was so hopeful.  I would have done anything for him.  He knew that, and he used me.  That's a hard and sad admission.  JT said it best, “You get the air out my lungs whenever you need it.  And you take the blade right out my heart just so you can watch me bleed.”  I probably need a lung transplant and most definitely a blood transfusion after this F’er.

I have to live with the fact I gave so much to someone who never cared about me.  I have to live with the fact that I reached out to Nacho Twat, and she tried to turn this on me.

I shouldn't have gotten so wrapped up in something.  I shouldn't have let anything consume me as much as I let him, and this magical country lifestyle.  (Which is horrible, and completely not glamorous.)  

Bad shit happens all the time.  Bad stuff happens to good people.  I think in every bad situation you can find some kind of lesson.   I might still be searching for my lesson in all this, but I can leave the situation with some of my dignity while he has to go on in life being a complete piece of shit.  In that sense, I win.  Sadly, no more dramatic relationship post that I somehow tie to infertility.  This was my ending, and I'm okay with that.  To happier times and hopefully a lot of positive endings in the fertility world :) 

It's Just a Wave


Infertility is like riding a crazy emotional wave all on its own, let alone trying to maintain a healthy relationship in the thick of it.

A while back an older version of Ken and Barbie became patients.  They looked like the All-American, happily married couple on fertility pamphlets.  He came to every appointment with her, held her hand during each visit.  He seemed interested in every detail of her treatment cycle.  They seemed genuinely happy, and very supportive of one another.

Ken and Barbie were patients for a good while before she became pregnant.  Their over the moon excitement was short-lived.  After hearing the heartbeat at their 7-week appointment, the 8-week ultrasound showed no growth and the heartbeat had stopped.  

Understandably, they decided to take a little break after the miscarriage.  She contacted us a few months later.  I assumed the call was to let us know they were ready to try again, but unfortunately they were in the process of divorcing.

What a Debbie Downer story, right?  Who am I?

My point is that even though they looked like the epitome of the perfect couple, we didn't see what was going on behind closed doors.  We didn’t see how heavily the burden of infertility was weighing on their relationship.

I've been back on a John Mayer kick since his new album came out and there’s a song called, "Emoji of a Wave".  I find it relatable to my situation as well as couples dealing with fertility issues.  

My relationship is ummm.... ?!  I don't really know how you would describe it because honestly it’s complicated.  I guess I love a good adventure.  But the song says;

Oh honey 

Oh honey

It's just a wave

It's just a wave

And I know

That when it comes

I just hold on

I just hold on 

I feel like what I’m going through is temporary.  It’s just a wave.  It isn’t going to be like this forever (God help me).   Maybe this is a test of my loyalty, my patience, seeing if I am tough enough to handle it all in the long haul.  If we can make it through this, there is no doubt that we could make it through whatever life decides to throw at us next.

My wave might sound like a pleasant surf down the shores of Maui, while the infertility wave may feel more like a tsunami.

First of all being on all that hormonal medication probably isn’t going to make anyone feel too sunshiny and cuddly.   The constant appointments, the financial stress, the disappointment when it doesn’t work out.  A big one, the decision to keep going after so many failed attempts or calling it quits. Making decisions that will impact the rest of your life is kind of a big deal, and can be a huge stressor on even the best relationships.

(I also want to add a side note that if you are on social media looking at all these couples seemingly going through infertility with ease, maybe they are or maybe they're completely full of shit and you only are seeing the highlight reel.   Good for those couples who don't skip a beat through infertility.  I know not everyone handles it with ease. Trust me I’ve witnessed some awkward interactions and plenty of snippiness and arguments even over small things like scheduling appointments.)

My advice is listen to John Mayer, pretty sure that will make everything better.  

But real advice; communicate, don’t place blame, take ownership of your feelings, and try your damnedest not to take it out on each other.  Stressful times don't always bring out the best in us.

Just hold on.



I went for a run the other day, and passed by a school that had a sign that displayed their character trait of the month, perseverance. It obviously struck something inside of me to finally write again.

I think if you chose a word best describing a character trait in women dealing with infertility, perseverance is the first word to pop into my head.  I mean just look at the definition....

Perseverance: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

The amount of delays you see when dealing with infertility is about a mile long.  Waiting for your period, taking birth control, having a cyst that delays your cycle, your insurance denying meds, not responding to the meds, the dreaded two week wait, the list goes on and on, right?

Infertility is difficult in general.  First of all, no one in their right mind wants to deal with this shit.  It's for the birds.  Everyone wants that magical life where they do the nasty, and BOOM a baby appears. Not the difficulty of dealing with the side effects of hormonal meds, negative betas, financial issues, and ALL the unknown of when it's going to work out for you.

So let's lead this to my soap opera life because you knew I was going to go there.  I have zero idea how it feels to personally deal with infertility, but I try to empathize in the only way I know how which is in relation to my own life.  Here's a recap for the people who may have just jumped on reading my blog;

December was not my most favorite month.  I had to part ways with someone who makes me laugh constantly, and challenged me more than anyone has in my 32 years of living.   If you go back and read my blogs I'm sure they were super dramatic.  I think at one point I compared my situation to knowing what Jack felt like when he lost whatever that chicks name was on the Titanic.  ((I seriously make myself laugh more than y'all could possibly imagine.))

I'm in the same boat I've been in since December (still waiting).  It's a lonely ass boat, but I'm a good mother F'ing Captain. I've learned to persevere when things aren't looking too terribly sunshiny for me.  My medical mission trip to Haiti put everything in perspective for me, so I'm handling all my "problems" a little better than I previously did. I say "problems" loosely because trust me, I know my issues are small in the big scheme of things.

I've been through some difficult times in my life, and I always seem to come out stronger. Haiti is a great example.  I went in thinking I was going to leave the first day because I was terrified of being kidnapped or dying in a car accident (their traffic fatalities are outrageous).  But I lived, and the nights when I was sitting in the dark under my mosquito net with only my thoughts showed me that I'm actually tougher than I thought. 

It is hard waiting to see if this relationship is going to work out for me in the end (and I know a lot of people would probably choose not to wait), but I'm not about filling the lonely void with something mediocre when I've already found the best.  

This is the time when perseverance comes into play.  You have to realize the end goal of what you are working towards.  Obviously infertility has a few more obstacles, financial and physiological (kind of a big deal), but emotionally remember how important growing your family is to you.  I think David Sarnoff said it the best, "The will to persevere is often the difference between failure and success." 

Endometriosis Awareness Month


Some women who are facing infertility may not be aware of endometriosis or may not carry any symptoms, but could still suffer in the future. No known cause or cure have been found either. Endometriosis occurs when the tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus and attaches to ovaries, fallopian tubes and the lining of your pelvis. The tissue grows thicker and becomes trapped and bleeds during menstrual cycles hence where the pain usually transpires.

My first notable experience dealing with what I think was an early stage of endometriosis was when I was 19 years old and my mom took me to urgent care because “a cyst had burst”. Fast forward nine years, I was getting ready for work and fell to the bathroom floor. Not to sound like an overly dramatic hormonal female, but I thought I was dying.  I didn’t know what was physically happening to my body. I eagerly tore off all my clothes to feel the cold tile [from the bathroom floor] on my stomach just hoping it could ease the pain. With the strength God gave me, I somehow managed to arrange my first ambulance ride to the ER for the incompetent doctor to perform zero tests and verbally instruct me to take Advil.

After finding a woman’s specialty clinic a year or so later, I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 29 years old. With each passing month, the pain kept worsening. I couldn’t get out of bed for 18-24 hours at a time. It took 2-3 days to recover after “a flare up”. The pain sensitivity was so bad, I couldn’t even talk without having to use my diaphragm and any small movement paralyzed me. You feel like you’re being stabbed over and over! For those who share my story can agree 100%. Many times, I genuinely wished I owned a small handgun to shoot myself in the foot just to divert the pain. The disease really started to affect my work/life balance too. I felt depressed, helpless, like it was never going to feel better. I had no answers. At times, I felt like when I tried to explain the pain to family and friends, even my doctor, I sounded crazy, dramatic, overly sensitive. Another recent time in ER, morphine and dopamine COMBINED couldn’t ease the pain but only made me feel dizzy and flustered. The endometrial cysts grew to 9cm and 7cm located on both ovaries…we called them “my twins”.  Unfortunately, they grew back successfully after my first laparoscopic surgery. During it all, I tried the Mirena IUD for about nine months to stop ovulation in hopes of the endometrial cysts shrinking but they kept increasing in size and the pain grew worse and worse.

After searching for an alternative to a second laparoscopic, my good friend, who was experiencing the same trauma, referred me to a doctor back in my hometown who helped pioneer the Lupron Depot shot back in the ‘80s [to treat endometriosis] and has sought amazing results for his patients. Lupron Depot shot [Leuprolide, pictured above] is a synthetic hormone released in the bloodstream (via alternating butt cheeks once a month), which reduces estrogen and shrinks the uterine tissue. It’s supposed to minimize the lesions and pain levels.

The known side effects: hot flashes, night sweats, chills, clammy skin, tiredness, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomach pain, upset stomach, breast swelling, acne, increased facial hair growth, joint or muscle pain, insomnia, reduced sexual interest, vaginal discomfort, dizziness, weakness, skin redness/itching, memory loss… oh my gosh the list keeps going like on a Lyrica commercial.

I have been taking the Lupron shot (3.75mg) for 9 months now and the only three side effects that really stand out are: hot flashes, night sweats, and memory loss – I act like somewhat of a menopausal mess, BUT the pain has reduced by almost 90% because I’m not ovulating. If you read reviews online, they’ll scare you half to death.  Every woman’s body reacts differently just like with any injected hormone. Since the doctor deemed my case “severe”, I’m prescribed to the Lupron Depot for up to two years. He is staying optimistic it’ll bring me the best results. In the meantime, I’m not even sure I want to bear children. In fact, I’m not even sure I CAN have children. Just in case that time comes, I want to save all my delicate lady parts so I can ensure a shot at success.

If this is your first time reading about the disease, I hope this was helpful and hoping you may have found some answers. If you are suffering from endometriosis, I feel you. You have options though. It’s always good to get a second or even a third opinion because it’s a challenge to find a doctor who truly understands your condition. You want to feel confident that the doctor knows exactly how to treat the severity too. My advice is to research. It’s not curable but it’s manageable.  My hope is the more we talk about it, the more we share our stories, the more effort will be given to find a lifeline.


Recently I've been thinking of how I handled things in the past, and how I want to change things moving forward. 

When my brother and his wife were going through IVF you would think they hit the jackpot having me around, right?!? (Kidding) But seriously, I wasn't supportive.  (This was before/during nursing school, and becoming an IVF nurse.)

I didn't know the hurt they felt every time they found out something was wrong with one of them; be it my brother's semen analysis, her endometriosis, or lack of viable eggs.  They were always hitting dead ends, but they tried effortlessly to find solutions.

Through their three IVF attempts they were unsuccessful.  I don't think once I ever told them I was thinking of them or I felt for them.  I don't remember really showing much of any support.  It's not because I was a huge asshole or lacked compassion it was because I had ZERO idea what they were feeling nor did I even know how to approach the subject.  

I think that's when you start feeling alone in the world of infertility.  Misunderstood like no one around you cares, but that's not always the case.  Not being able to understand the emotional turmoil that people dealing with infertility go through, it's really challenging to show concern.  I know because I've been there.   Trust me, my brother is hands down my favorite relative. (Sorry other family members that read my blog, but I'm honest and he is.)  In no way, shape, or form would I ever want to intentionally show a lack of compassion or concern for what he had to deal with, but I totally did.  

I pride myself on being able to empathize with people.  It's one thing about myself that I know I am good at (or at least I try really, really hard to be good at).

Can you imagine someone who isn't empathetic having to deal with a friend or family member dealing with infertility?  CLUELESS.  They don't know what to say or do or ask, shit they probably don't know anything. Just remember how you felt when you started your first IUI or IVF cycle, it's overwhelming.  

Now that my brother and wife have adopted the cutest baby, Olivia, I think the struggles that they went through are a distant memory.  It still weighs on me how much they went through with very little support from those around them, but if it wasn't for their struggle I probably would have never started my career as an IVF nurse.  It's easy when you are removed from a situation to realize how you should have handled things differently.  I've learned a lot, and I'm continuously striving to be better.

The moral of today's ramblings is this... people don't generally mean to be compassionless assholes, but they are.  It's probably due to their lack of understanding, so instead of thinking the worst, maybe think "this fool has zero idea what I'm dealing with and I'm going to (A.) educate them or (B.) understand that they might never know what it feels like to be in my situation."  

Meet Meg - The Adoption Story


If you saw my family members, you would agree I don’t look like ANY OF THE OTHERS. Unlike them, I don’t have double eyelids. If you don’t know what that means, Google it, it’s fascinating. 

My mother was physically unable to bear a second child after having my sister, so, my parents decided to adopt and they found…, me. I was flown from South Korea to Oklahoma. My sister was pre-school age when I was flown over and she told her classmates after our initial meeting at the airport, “I know where babies come from! You pick them up at the airport!”

Back in the ‘80s, the adoption agency they went through placed solely orphans from Korea. At the time, their records were “sealed for life” so we speculate my birth mother was most likely younger and not married. It’s often found if women in Korea have a baby out of wedlock and they keep the baby, their families disown them but if they give them up for adoption (or abort them), they remain in good grace with the family.  The name I was given was Kim Min Kyung. For 25 years, I thought my Korean first name was Kim. (Google that one too)

I imagine most women facing infertility have considered or will consider adopting. Now I understand the thought of adoption isn’t for everyone.  After my mom and dad brought me home at the ripe young age of four months, my mother’s good friend expressed to her, “I couldn’t love a child who isn’t my own. You have to be really special to be able to do that.” My mother replied, “There’s no difference. She’s still my baby.”  A mother’s love can be universal. Even though my mom didn’t birth me, she still gave me life - a beautiful life. Even as a child, I never knew the difference. I always felt loved. And if you’ve seen the recent movie, ‘Lion’, Nicole Kidman’s character depicts that special kind of love perfectly. It’s a chosen kind of love and that’s the best kind of love. 

So if you ever consider adopting, I hope you think of me -- the girl from Funny Girls who missed the chance to work in rice fields, but instead was given a second chance to grow up in Suburbia USA.

Misery Loves Company


I'm a big believer in the fact that empathy can get you far in life.  I couldn't really understand why some people within the infertility community (on social media) would get upset or "unfriend" someone when they saw others get pregnant, same goal everyone in the community is working towards.  I mean I know misery loves company, but still.  I'm 100% a cheerleader.  I love watching others succeed, I've always been that way.... until now.

By no means do I downplay how much it hurts to deal with infertility, but I try to empathize in a way that I can pertaining to my own life.  Here goes it...

My friend was going through a similar situation as I am (WOOHOO, I had someone to suffer with me, right?).  She was in this weird transition phase of her relationship.  You know that "I need space" period, which is where I am living right now (#Sharonpartyof1).  Anyhow, it was nice to have someone to talk to so I didn't feel like I was completely alone during this waiting period.  Her situation wasn't even close to mine though.  He called her, text her, they spent time together.  My phone.. mother F'ing radio silence, crickets, nada, zero.. get the point?  My only company has been Netflix (on to season 4 of Sons of Anarchy, so got that going for me).

I never had these feelings of jealousy or envy over what others had, but it hit me and I wasn't a fan.  It's not that I wasn't happy for her, but it hurt because I was still alone.  The thought of "ummm why isn't this working out for me" was constantly on my mind.  What the shit am I doing wrong?!?! 

I talked myself off the ledge.  I'm not her.  My relationship is very different than hers.  I was an angry little shrew for a minute.  It's not my time for this to work (yet).  Just like the people you see having babies, getting positive betas, hell they might have waited 7 or 8 years to get to that point.  

Sometimes you just want to throw in the towel because you feel like it will NEVER be your time.  Trust me, I feel like I'm going to end up a cat lady, and I don't even like cats. Terrifying.

We had this fun Infertility chat on Instagram that my friend Caroline (TrustingInDueTime) host on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of every month.   The question I chose was, "what song gets you through tough times?"  Not going to lie, there were a lot of songs mentioned that I had never heard of.   This song called,  "Thy Will" kept popping up so I decided to listen to it.  It helped to remind me that my stuff will work out for me at the right time, even though right now it sucks some major cojones.

"Your plans are for me; goodness you have in store so thy will be done."

So a reminder (to really myself) is this, "Promise yourself today to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own." - Christian D. Larson 

 Because your time will come too, and you won't want to be celebrating alone.  Here's to success in fertility, business, relationships, life, or just being a cat lady :) 

Hope Haters


I'm rarely at a loss for words, but it happened...

I was talking to a friend about some things that have been going on in my life recently.  If you read anything I write, you know I'm still going through somewhat of a valley.  I always try to stay optimistic though because where does having a shitty outlook get anyone?!

After telling her a little bit more about my current situation, she compared me to a patient who has just been diagnosed with cancer, but still thinks everything is going to be okay. (A wee bit of a dramatic comparison to describe my hopefulness, but alright.)

Okay so yeah, things might not be fabulous for me at the moment, but gosh dang it I'm a persistent one (that may be an understatement). The easiest thing to do when shit gets hard is to give up, that’s not my style.  If I gave up when things weren’t going exactly how I wanted them to, here are just a few things that wouldn't have happened for me;

I wouldn't have graduated from Oklahoma State.

I wouldn't have graduated from nursing school.

I wouldn’t have finished my first half marathon.

I wouldn't be a year into writing this blog.

I wouldn't have 6 infertility awareness shirts (still crazy, I originally ordered 10 of "The Acronym" shirt.  I have come a LONG way.)

When this conversation happened it reminded me of patients who have undergone an ungodly amount of fertility treatment cycles.   I know there are times when people may not understand why you keep going through this shit.  They know you're hurting, and know how many times it hasn't worked out for you, but you don't give up either.  They may think you're bat shit crazy too.  When people don't understand is when judgement jumps in.

If you aren't hopeful that one day whatever you're going through will work out, you might as well throw in the F’ing towel now because that Debbie Downer way of thinking is going to get you nowhere fast.

 I've had a MILLION signs (seriously, it's getting creepy) screaming at me that I'm on the right path.  Even though it is hard for me right now, I'm horrible at waiting, and I have my moments of frustration; I just have to keep on keeping on.   That's not delusion, that's hope.  

The day after this conversation, I was trolling along social media and saw this quote...

"Choosing to stay strong isn't fake, it's faith." - Whitney Capps.  That's when it all clicked for me.

To my friend I may be living in the land of the naive, but to me I'm keeping faith in the fact that my life will come full circle sooner or later (really hoping for sooner, oh sweet sweet patience).  I'm making a choice to remain hopeful because right now that's all I have to work with.  So if this helps someone who may feel like (or maybe even been told) they're crazy for continuing on their 32nd treatment cycle, see you in the loony bin because my hopefulness is right there with you!  

Everything Happens For A....


This one is for you, Erin!

"Everything happens for a reason."

How many times have you heard this lovely platitude and thought "F off"?  

If you keep up with my blog you know my less than desirable time started in December.  You know how many times I heard, "Everything happens for a reason, Sharon"??  If I had $5 for every time I heard it I would have like a whopping $30, but still 6 times too many (math skills on point there, thanks Oklahoma State).  Luckily, I've been working on my sass so I was able to catch myself from saying something smart (or using my middle finger) and just smile and move on when I had to hear it.

Do I think stuff happens for a reason?  Yeah, of course I think there is a reason why things happen.  

There is a reason why a FET didn't work.  Maybe there was a little fluid in the lining?

There is a reason why you aren't getting pregnant naturally.  

Maybe it's timing.  

Maybe it's some crazy reason completely out of your control. (= ME.  And yes, I am still being impatient.)

Or maybe the reason is greater than anything we can understand, but will understand eventually.

You can obviously find a reason why something happened in whatever situation you're dealing with.

What I do know is when someone is grieving a loss or going through challenging times, they sure as hell don't want to hear those 5 words even if it may be the truth.

In the world of infertility, you probably hear it constantly.  Not being able to get pregnant naturally, a failed IVF, a cancelled FET, a miscarriage... I think it's hard for people who haven't gone through those situations to be able to articulate something they feel is enough to make you feel better, which is why you hear that mother F'ing saying.  Here are some things I would rather hear;

  1. I'm sorry you are dealing with this tough situation.  
  2. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'm here for you
  3. (Crickets) because they are just freakin' listening

I know my friends that said, "Everything happens for a reason" didn't have bad intentions for me, but no one knows how I feel inside besides me.  (*Side note - I also have amazing friends who have listened to me for 2 months (God bless y'all), offered amazingly positive words of comfort, and have been nothing short of angelic.*)  I think when it comes down to it; if you don't understand what someone is dealing with, can't empathize, or lack compassion overall just lend an ear.  

Suppression is for the Birds


Infertility is a big ball of suppression unless you are just one of those people who lets it all hang out (which isn't a lot of people).  I see a ton of patients suppressing their feelings because they feel alone or feel as though the people around them may not be able to empathize with what they are dealing with.

I draw what I write from random thoughts, what I'm currently feeling, or something I see on the interwebs.  This week I saw MULTIPLE post about holding back tears, and pretending to be okay.  I'm not okay with that (if you care about my opinion). 

I had a rough little go in December.  I didn't try to curtail my feelings or pretend like I didn't feel less than amazing. Those close to me know I was a hot mess (maybe still a partial hot mess), there was no hiding that.   I think we are all kind of in this mindset that if we act strong, if we are tough, if we don't let people see us at our lowest that we are fucking invincible.  Guess what, it ain't true (I know this from 31.5 years of experience before I embraced vulnerability).  I'm not saying that I think everyone should walk around like blubbering idiots having a pity party every 5 seconds, but I am saying that it's okay not being okay sometimes.  

Own your feelings when you are pissed off that your IVF cycle may not have gone your way.  If you are hating life because you just sold your left kidney to pay for your fertility treatment.  Embrace whatever you feel when the people around you are popping out babies every 10 seconds, and you can't see your silver lining.  

I've been told I suck at being vulnerable, but I'm working hard to get better at it each and every day.   I obviously put myself out there quite a bit.  It's scary writing my feelings for the world (or the 17 people that come to my website) to read, but I do it because I'm okay putting myself out there if it helps someone feel not so alone in the manure filled field they might be in right now.  

It doesn't make you weak or pathetic when you show real emotion. I think it shows strength more than anything.  I start to ramble when I'm passionate about something. I'm passionate about this, embrace your feelings instead of suppressing them. Don't hide and keep busy just to avoid feeling'll catch up with you eventually.