I was studying at Starbucks today because I obviously do nothing besides study since starting my graduate program. This Starbucks was playing all the jams of 2007, and just like that I was inspired to write again!
A little background story. A very good friend of mine went through IVF. She ended up with three embryos, but only one of them made it. She transferred that one embryo, and now has an extremely cute little baby. She went through a lot to get to this point though. Only having that one embryo at the time of transfer, praying this one would stay put. It was emotionally draining for her. She thought, just like everyone else, she would get married, and start her family shortly after with no trouble. No one in her family had suffered from infertility, it wasn't something she thought she would have to deal with.
Nine months flew by and when her baby popped his gorgeous head into this world she was thankful that he was here, but something was off. I think when dealing with infertility you go through SO MUCH, like a ridiculous amount. It's emotionally draining, all you can think about is having a baby. Your priorities are all in the land of baby. You lose track of everything else because you are CONSUMED. You may feel frantic, like you're grasping at straws because you want it SO bad. Then it happens.
Your baby arrives and everyone is ecstatic for you, hell you're happy too but you still feel off. You might feel guilty for feeling off?!
Children are life changing. Your hormones are going to be bonkers. Once you've spent 30 plus years (or however old you are) just taking care of yourself, and then you have this tiny human to take care of, it can be overwhelming. For example, my friend is a badass, she's independent as all get out, she's hard working. She went through a lot of changes and now has a baby to take care of. Add to it; she left her job, and she is as hormonal as a tsunami. (Sometimes I don't make sense, and I'm okay with that). She didn't feel as happy as she thought she was supposed to feel.
Society puts some real shit on women, you know?! Like pop out a baby and act like you're still shitting rainbows, posting gorgeous photos on social media of yourself with your newborn, and your perfectly clean home. IT'S NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE. For those of you that can do that, bravo, that's impressive. If you've gone through infertility and don't feel over the moon happy 24/7 now that you have the baby you've waited your whole life for, don't beat yourself up. Some days (sometimes weeks) really F'ing suck.
I have those days all the time. I might not have dealt with infertility, but I do know the feeling of thinking you have everything you want and still not feeling happy. I've felt extremely guilty about it. The guilt built up and made me feel even worse about myself. Don't beat yourself up just because you aren't shitting thank you notes of gratitude for getting the life you've always wanted.
Now for the song that inspired me. There once was a time I never thought I would be over Mitch. That little douche canoe turned 30 yesterday, and I didn't even think of him until I saw the date today. I never thought I would get here. ((I absolutely love making jokes about him because he HATED if I ever talked about him publicly, for obvious reasons #NachoTwat.)) Leona Lewis said it best, "I'm gonna smile because I deserve to, it'll all get better in time." And it does. The bad times don't last forever, lonely feelings will sink away, and you'll get use to whatever your new normal is. If you still feel down...be a basic bitch like me. Go to Starbucks, get a cheese danish (or Pumpkin Spiced Latte for you real basics, jk love y'all.. Boop), and hopefully they'll be playing some jams to cheer you up, at least momentarily. :) It'll all get better in time.