Who knew a Ke$ha song could inspire me, does she even "$" her name anymore?! My friend sent me this song a couple months ago (maybe longer, y'all know I can be a space cadet at times). She said that it reminded her of me, pretty sure she was referring to the whole #NachoTwat situation. I think it is really relevant to my mom situation as well. I'm gonna break it down.......
Praying - Kesha
You almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
That after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become
If any of you have ever been in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship, I'm sure you've been told a time or two that you would be nothing without that person. You know why, because they are narcissistic assholes and think that the world revolves around them. If you have read my blog, you know I'm kind of a Betty Badass. I don't put up with shit from anybody. I'll fight a 7-year-old if I need to (kidding, kind of). I'll share one of my most embarrassing (to me) stories that I suffered through with good ol Mitchy-poo (Mitch Rossell, for you new folks) at a time when I lost myself and allowed someone to treat me terribly. We were in California. Garth had back to back weekends in Anaheim and Fresno. I joined him for almost a week. Mitch decided he wasn't going to go back to Nashville in-between shows so he could spend time with his favorite person EVER (me). If he read this, he would be DYING right now, because I'm totally not his favorite person. Anyways... I was on the redeye back to Houston so I was leaving on a Tuesday night. I always had a separate hotel room because if you know this story MITCH HAD A BABY MAMA who made sure to FaceTime him on the reg to make sure there weren't any little Hussies (like myself) around. Little Country Boy assumed I had booked my room through Tuesday night, and the cheap ass he is, he had planned to just move to my room so he could stay there until he had to go to Fresno (for FREE). I didn't book my room that night (since I was leaving, duh), and the hotel was full. He LOST HIS SHIT ON ME. Legit psycho. He told me to book my flight earlier, and get the hell out of California. I was in tears. He verbally attacked the shit out of me. Pretty much let me know I was worthless, and he couldn't believe I could be so careless to make a mistake like that. At the time, I was so broken by the verbal abuse that I was searching Kayak, Hotels.com, Expedia, anything to see if there was a room at the hotel available. I finally came across a room on one of these websites and was so proud of myself that King Rossell didn't have to leave the hotel (at my expense). I ran down to his room to tell him that he could stay, and I didn't have to change my flight to leave earlier. Instead of saying, "Thanks for paying for that and making sure I had a room for tonight." He said, "way to cover your fuck up." Sadly, I took it and continued to apologize. This was one of MANY exchanges we had like this. He let me know I would never be happy without him, guess what?! You were right... I am ECSTATIC without you. I got 99 problems, but a Mitch ain't one. Back to the song..........
Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I'll wish you farewell
I hope you're somewhere praying
I hope your soul is changing
I hope you find your peace, fallin' on your knees
Sadly, even though that happened on almost every trip with this Douche Canoe (had to throw that one in for my Dad, he actually just recently started to read my blog. Who wants their parents reading all this terribleness?!? Sorry, Dad) I continued to push through because I'm not a quitter. He really did put me through hell, a personal hell, that was so deep I couldn't escape. Now that I'm 8 months free of this, I feel like I'm at a place I almost feel sorry for him. Treating people like he does, has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. What a sad soul. I do hope his soul is changing, he'll be a married man soon (God Bless the both of y'all, Mr. and Mrs. NachoTwat) hopefully he stops whoring himself out. And... back to the song again
I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done, but you were wrong
and now the best if yet to come
Cause I can make it on my own
I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I'll bring thunder, I'll bring burn
When Im finished, they won't even know your name
I am extremely proud of who I am. If you read my "Holiday Hell" blog (two back) I didn't have the best childhood. My Borderline mother always made sure that I felt like I was the worst person imaginable. I believed it for a long time. It's like she always wanted me to fail, the more she wished failure upon me, the more successful I became. She hated it. She hated me. I'll share a story from my childhood that has always stood at the forefront of my mind. My mom met random men, I have no idea how because Tinder wasn't around back in the 90's. This one time she wanted to go on a date, I was fairly young. Guess she couldn't find a babysitter, so she took me with her. This guy lived on a tiny boat, and his name was David. He had a son, I think around my age. My mom took me on this man's boat/home, and ended up making me spend the night there sharing an incredibly tiny bed with this man's son that I didn't even know. Who makes their kid sleep in a bed with a kid of the opposite sex so they can go and get it on?!?! Disgusting, right? Way to be selfish, Mom. Story of my life. I have 7,864 way worse things that happened to me in my childhood, but for some odd reason, this one always bugged me. My mom was so dependent on others, and I never wanted to be like her. She always had to have a relationship, someone there. I pride myself on my independence, on trying to be a badass and handle stuff by my damn self. Independent woman, yo.
Through all the times she left me or tried to make me feel bad about myself (she would call me a Lollipop when I was in high school because I was 90 pounds and she said I had a huge head.. probably skinny cause you didn't feed me, asshole) I persevered. I pushed through the bad times because I knew I had the strength in me.
Sometimes I pray for you at night
Someday maybe you'll see the light
Some say in life you gonna get what you give
But sometimes only God can forgive
I am a huge believer in karma. For example, if I ever made fun of someone let's say a dumb example, like they had a zit, I would be afraid I would have acne for the rest of my life, so I try to keep my mouth shut. I do believe that both these Twats mentioned in this blog will get what they deserve. I think they will pay for the pain that they have caused, not only to me, but many people in their lives. My goal for 2018 is to hopefully let go of a lot of the hurt. Every day is easier for me, but there is still stuff I have to work through. I can't listen to, "Ask Me How I Know" without wanting to jump off a bridge (dramatic, y’all don’t take me seriously). I'm not over all the hurt my mother has caused me, and I probably won't be for a long time. I do know that I will always be okay though. I find my happiness in my accomplishments.
Here's to hoping both of their souls are changing.
Thanks, Kesha for digging deeper than "Pedicure on our toes, toes.... don't stop make it pop. DJ blowing my speakers up. Tik Tok" (That song is kind of fun though).