Funny Girls of Fertility

Begin to Live

Sharon

 

I had a patient recently who went off the deep end.  I don't even think saying she lost her shit would be an accurate description of what a downward spiral she took.  I'll explain...

She went through IVF a few years ago, and has a happy, healthy child.  With a few frozen embryos left, her and her husband decided to come back to try again.  Fortunately, she was successful the first go round, but this is also when rationality flew (catapulted) out the damn window.

  This lady went from being a normal, happy, seemingly well-adjusted adult to just about bat shit crazy.  When she comes in she is physically shaking, she gets herself so worked up about what each appointment is going to bring.  She has expressed how she slightly neglects her parenting responsibilities because she is so busy Googling every symptom (or lack of symptoms) she has. Every appointment when I think we've made a little headway; she comes back in a few days later convinced something is wrong.   Her fear is so consuming that she has lost herself in the process.

When I saw her have a full on breakdown; I felt her pain, her fear, her trepidations about this entire process.  This patient's biggest fear (like most dealing with infertility) is loss.

I think a lot of people can empathize with the fear of loss. Maybe you've gone through hell in life, maybe life has kicked you in the proverbial nuts a few times.  When you have something you've always wanted or get to a point in life that seems too good to be true, you can drive yourself crazy worrying about it going back to being crap. 

 I'm currently in Unicorn Land, legitimately.  I feel extremely fortunate in life, and somehow it keeps getting better.  Does it scare the bejesus out of me?!  Hell to the yes.  When I saw this patient I felt like it was a mirror of my recent self.  Instead of just enjoying how great life is right now, I'm already having fear of it going wrong.  How irrational is that?!?!  This patient is doing the exact same thing.  She isn't enjoying her pregnancy.  She went through IVF and all sorts of crap to get to this point, and she is freaking MISERABLE.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." - Dorothy Thompson

Good ol' Dorothy is on to something here.  You can't control the outcome of a lot of things in life so why expend energy trying to do the impossible.  When you are obsessing over something going wrong, you aren't only driving yourself crazy, but you are 100% not living.  Trust in God's will, and have faith that things will work out in the end.