*DISCLAIMER:THIS STORY IS A LITTLE MUCH, NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED*
When I first started as a fertility nurse I thought I would never get use to talking to men about their sperm. I mean it’s just kind of unnatural to have conversations about their swimmers. As professional as I can be, I’m still human, and I have a serious nervous giggle. Hell, I am just a giggly person overall.
My friends all wonder how I can walk men back to the beloved “Spank Bank” room (in a serious fashion), and leave them to do their business. One of my funniest and greatest friends text me the other day saying she was looking for a new job and was wondering if we were hiring. She said she was listening to LL Cool J on Spotify (she is not up-to-date in the music world, obviously) and she thought she would make a great DJ for the “Spank Bank” room. I died thinking of how mortified these poor men would be walking into an already uncomfortable situation then add my friend droppin’ the sweet beats of Keith Sweat for them tucked away in the corner.
Our semen analysis are done two ways; we either have the men collect in our office or they collect at home and bring it in within an hour of collecting. When they collect at home we give them a directions, a specimen cup, and a white bag.
This week I had a very interesting encounter with a man dropping off his sample. I walked out to the waiting room to call him back. A large man in a baggy shirt and sweatpants got up and walked towards me. I was so confused because he didn’t have his sample bag like they usually do when dropping off.
I brought him to my desk and said, “I’m so sorry. I was under the impression you were dropping off your sample and not collecting here.”
The guy looked back at me equally confused. He said, “I am just dropping off. “
We awkwardly starred at each other for what seemed like an eternity. The man started digging in his pockets like he was searching for his sample cup. *Side note: This cup isn’t Polly Pocket size, it’s a normal 90 mL sample cup.** I’m still standing next to him waiting to see where this Houdini sperm cup is going to pop out from. He then proceeds to put his hand in his pants and pull his cup from the area one click west of his nuts. To make matters worse he then tries to hand me this cup that has been canoodling his man parts. Attempting to keep it professional I ran to get a bag for him to put this cup in all while trying to maintain my Poker face (*my poker face is non-existent.*)
I guess that explained the baggy attire. Can’t make this stuff up, y’all.
One thing I can say.. my 8-5 is never boring!