Holy moly was the pressure real for me going into my first finals week of graduate school.
Getting below an 80 is failing, it's a whole other ballgame than the business world I started out in. I put pressure on myself to work hard, to be the best. It's probably unnecessary pressure, but I'm sure we are all guilty of it.
You know when you already have all this self-inflicted pressure you don't want to add more people to the mix right? I'll use an infertility example... I can't even count how many friends/patients/random people have told me about their IVF/FET cycles, and then let me know that I am the ONLY person that they have talked to about it (no pressure there, y'all). You know why?! BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT THE PRESSURE OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEIR CYCLES FAIL!! What will happen, you ask (YES, YOU ASKED, go with me here)?! The more people they let on to what they are dealing with, the more people they have to explain they "failed" at something, if it doesn't work. In short the more people they have to feel sorry for them, which only makes them feel worse.
I have a terrible example of this, but it's the only way I can make it pertain to my own life right now. There was this person who wanted to wish me luck 292,282,202 times before every one of my advanced patho exams. Text, on text, on text wishing me luck, sending me fucking four leaf clovers. Overkill some may say. I am hard as shit on myself, I do not like failing at anything. I understand I can't be the best at everything, but it won't be due to a lack of effort on my part. Any who... he didn't get that I didn't need more pressure to do well. He would say, "You'll do great, you're so smart.. text me when you're done and let me know how you did." It messes with my mojo. I felt like he was saying, "this test is super easy a kindergartener could do well on it, waiting to hear your ADHD ass made an A." Maybe I'm fucked up?! If you are a regular around here, you know I have at least a few screws loose. I couldn't handle it. I finally said, "Listen, I can't have you texting me. I have to handle this shit myself. “Am I an asshole? Probably. But I know what I need in my life, and I know what stresses me out. The stress had to go. Sorry Charlie.
I'm sure this can pertain to anything that is truly important to you or anything that you hold close to your heart. The more people you share with, the more people you open up to, the more explaining you have to do! Pretty sure it's a little thing called being vulnerable, which I totally blow balls at. Sure it's great when you have success your first IVF or FET cycle, but you know how bad it sucks for those going through their 3rd or 4th or 7th fertility cycle with people saying, "you're not pregnant yet?!?!" Get the fuck outta here with that (hope you read that in like a tough Northern accent, not my southern twang with a y'all behind it). If I had to take advance pathophysiology 3 times, I sure as hell wouldn't want people to know (thank you baby Jesus that I only had to take it once).
Moral of my ever pointless story is sometimes you don't want to share things that are really important to you with everyone. Sometimes you want to keep things to yourself because YOU don't even want to deal with the disappointment.
Feeling a little Ghandi-ish today so I will leave you with this quote to ponder and wonder if I am really wiser than my Christmas Cake eating self may appear to be.....
"You'll never be brave, if you don't get hurt. You'll never learn if you don't make mistakes. You'll never be successful if you don't encounter failure."
Here is to those of you (like me) who always strive for success, but don't always make the cut!
((I ended my semester with a 97% in Advanced Population Health, and an 89.3fucking5 in Advanced Pathophysiology)) Goodbye 4.0 dreams.