I'm rarely at a loss for words, but it happened...
I was talking to a friend about some things that have been going on in my life recently. If you read anything I write, you know I'm still going through somewhat of a valley. I always try to stay optimistic though because where does having a shitty outlook get anyone?!
After telling her a little bit more about my current situation, she compared me to a patient who has just been diagnosed with cancer, but still thinks everything is going to be okay. (A wee bit of a dramatic comparison to describe my hopefulness, but alright.)
Okay so yeah, things might not be fabulous for me at the moment, but gosh dang it I'm a persistent one (that may be an understatement). The easiest thing to do when shit gets hard is to give up, that’s not my style. If I gave up when things weren’t going exactly how I wanted them to, here are just a few things that wouldn't have happened for me;
I wouldn't have graduated from Oklahoma State.
I wouldn't have graduated from nursing school.
I wouldn’t have finished my first half marathon.
I wouldn't be a year into writing this blog.
I wouldn't have 6 infertility awareness shirts (still crazy, I originally ordered 10 of "The Acronym" shirt. I have come a LONG way.)
When this conversation happened it reminded me of patients who have undergone an ungodly amount of fertility treatment cycles. I know there are times when people may not understand why you keep going through this shit. They know you're hurting, and know how many times it hasn't worked out for you, but you don't give up either. They may think you're bat shit crazy too. When people don't understand is when judgement jumps in.
If you aren't hopeful that one day whatever you're going through will work out, you might as well throw in the F’ing towel now because that Debbie Downer way of thinking is going to get you nowhere fast.
I've had a MILLION signs (seriously, it's getting creepy) screaming at me that I'm on the right path. Even though it is hard for me right now, I'm horrible at waiting, and I have my moments of frustration; I just have to keep on keeping on. That's not delusion, that's hope.
The day after this conversation, I was trolling along social media and saw this quote...
"Choosing to stay strong isn't fake, it's faith." - Whitney Capps. That's when it all clicked for me.
To my friend I may be living in the land of the naive, but to me I'm keeping faith in the fact that my life will come full circle sooner or later (really hoping for sooner, oh sweet sweet patience). I'm making a choice to remain hopeful because right now that's all I have to work with. So if this helps someone who may feel like (or maybe even been told) they're crazy for continuing on their 32nd treatment cycle, see you in the loony bin because my hopefulness is right there with you!