You know when you get so consumed by something that you can't even think about anything else? Be it fertility treatments, a relationship, a job, whatever your vice is.
I was there. Complete consumption. I didn't think of much other than my relationship. It started last July, and it seemed magical. He's a country artist (I don't want to say his name because he doesn't deserve to be Googled) who was opening for my FAVORITE country artist of all time (which is how we met). When he came out on stage I turned to my friends and said, “this is my guy.” I never knew that statement would actually be (somewhat) true.
He wooed the shit out of me. Dark hair, dark eyes, extremely charming, hilarious, with an amazing (yet sociopathic) voice. I was completely blinded by this guy. He told me his home situation which was that he had a child, but he and the mother weren't together anymore. He still supported her because that was the "right thing" to do.
I was like, "wow, what a stand up guy." He isn't married, they hadn't dated for long, and he isn't running away like a typical douche musician. We started talking (long distance of course) and from there I went to every city he was touring in. I did everything for him. I thought this was IT for me. I finally found my happy ending, and what a mother F'ing magical unicorn ending this is, right?
Wrong. Very, very wrong.
After a few months the image of who I thought he was started to fade into the person he actually is. It was awful. I was manipulated, I was controlled. I'm a strong-willed, stubborn, independent individual.. by the end of all this I had zero self-worth. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I was told what to wear, how to talk, it was nuts, but he said he only did it because he cared about me and I had never been cared about like I was now (can we say manipulative? But I bought it, he’s good people). Before July if someone would have told me what to do they would have been kicked in the nuts, but for some reason my logical, reasonable, educated brain went out the window. I can probably tell you why, I got sucked into the dream.
Shit hit the fan when I went to visit him in Kansas City last weekend. Nothing he was saying made sense to me. I decided to get in touch with his baby mama because;
- I've been cheated on a time or two
- I wanted the truth for myself
- I knew reaching out to her would put the last nail in my coffin. I knew he would HATE me if I did this, and I know he is SO good at manipulating people that I could have easily been sucked back in by him.
I bet you can guess how this all ended. Everything was a lie (and I am for sure not the only person he had been lying to). He actually didn't break up with this girl when he said. How naive am I?!
I thought she would appreciate me calling, being honest. Trust me it is NOT easy putting yourself in this kind of situation. I WAS LIED TO, yet I felt the need to be honest with someone I didn't owe shit to.
As nervous as I was to do it, I called her. The conversation went HORRIBLY. I think I was called "fucking stupid" about 573 times in a 22-minute conversation. This girl was a real gem, y'all. I like to refer to her as Nacho Twat because she sounded like she was eating nachos when talking, and she's a twat hence Nacho Twat. She hated me. She didn't believe me. I was coming from a good place, girl to girl I was trying to look out for her. She tried to convince me I was a bad person which obviously is the furthest thing from the truth. Let me reiterate I WAS LIED TO AS WELL. I was manipulated just as much as she had been over the course of this “relationship”! (I use that term lightly because I was obviously the only one taking it seriously.)
She gave him an ultimatum that he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore or she would take his son and run (real mature of her). I had zero intentions of ever talking to this douche again (remember that last nail I put in MY own damn coffin). She didn’t stop there, she also let me know I was never to contact him again. Okay Kim Jong-un, I'm totally going to listen to you. I'm an adult and make my own decisions, and if I had to choose between talking to this 130lb country douche or removing all my own teeth with a dirty pocket knife therefore having to live off Suja juice for the rest of my life, you bet your ass I'm buying stock in Suja.
For the last 10 months, my feelings and blogs have been tied to him in some way or another. I was so hopeful. I would have done anything for him. He knew that, and he used me. That's a hard and sad admission. JT said it best, “You get the air out my lungs whenever you need it. And you take the blade right out my heart just so you can watch me bleed.” I probably need a lung transplant and most definitely a blood transfusion after this F’er.
I have to live with the fact I gave so much to someone who never cared about me. I have to live with the fact that I reached out to Nacho Twat, and she tried to turn this on me.
I shouldn't have gotten so wrapped up in something. I shouldn't have let anything consume me as much as I let him, and this magical country lifestyle. (Which is horrible, and completely not glamorous.)
Bad shit happens all the time. Bad stuff happens to good people. I think in every bad situation you can find some kind of lesson. I might still be searching for my lesson in all this, but I can leave the situation with some of my dignity while he has to go on in life being a complete piece of shit. In that sense, I win. Sadly, no more dramatic relationship post that I somehow tie to infertility. This was my ending, and I'm okay with that. To happier times and hopefully a lot of positive endings in the fertility world :)