I know I'm extremely cynical. I never believed in all that "you live and you learn, everything happens for a reason" bullshit. All the cliché things that I thought people said just to make themselves feel better.
I'm 32 years old and I've suffered from discontentment my entire life. My childhood was less than ideal. My Mom is kind of a looney toon (and by kind of, I mean a major loon). My parents were divorced when I was 5 or 6. I went through multiple Step-Dads, and a lot of time where my Mother was less than Motherly (that's being really kind to her). She never hugged me, never said she was proud of me, for sure never said she loved me. Currently I haven't heard from my mom in two years. I learned to accept that I'm not one of those people who will ever have an awesome Mother/Daughter relationship. I probably won't ever have a relationship with her at all to be honest.
I think through my experiences I've become hard. How I grew up, I always felt like I had to prove myself. I wanted to be the best at everything, and always wanted more. I needed a vacation every 3 months. I had to have a monthly goal be it; a half-marathon, another degree, going to Haiti on my medical mission trip. I pushed myself to a crazy point and whenever I reached the goal I set, I still wasn't happy.
Then comes ol' Mitchy boy and Nacho Twat. When I met Mitch (the country singer; for those of y'all not up to speed go back about 3 blogs) I was SO excited. I mean how fun is it to travel along on the Garth Brooks World Tour. I thought this was it, this was what was FINALLY going to make me happy.
He broke my heart. (Shattered it; would probably be more accurate.) Shit just wasn't meant to work out for me. I wasn't happy before Mitch, I wasn't happy with him, and post-Nacho I thought I might be one of those people who will just never be happy.
A few days after #NachoTwat2017, I went for a run. I live in a beautiful city called The Woodlands. It's like living in the damn enchanted forest where squirrels are high-fiving and birds are singing songs on your shoulder. It's a Disney movie just north of Houston. Any who... I went for a run and I was going through this break in the trees where the sun was shining through, and I had the BIGGEST smile on my face like a damn idiot. Smiling at the trees. For the first time in 32 years I realized I was TRULY content.
I wasn't beating myself up for not breaking a 9-minute mile. I wasn't worried about if Mitch was going to reach out to me (obviously burnt that bridge, thank God). I wasn't worried about when my mother was going to actually act like an adult. I wasn't worried about when my next vacation was or what my next goal was. I was happy being me; running a super slow mile in 500-degree humid ass Houston.
Every day since then I've woken up happy as a clam. I notice everything now, I'm so present in the moment. If it weren't for Mitch and Nacho I would NEVER be here. So although he broke my heart, although I thought I would NEVER get over him, although my life went from a different city every weekend to never leaving The Woodlands, I'm content.
Sometimes painful things can teach us lessons that we didn't think we needed to know. My lesson was contentment.
I know infertility is different, but I also know that through the struggles you become stronger. Through the loss you learn to appreciate more. You can say I'm full of shit because a month ago I would have agreed with you, but once you get to that moment where everything in your life finally adds up, you'll look back and say, "By golly, that Bitch had a point." :)