Funny Girls of Fertility

Boundaries

Sharon

Someone I have grown close to (not a patient) was about to go through the transfer process, and she didn't want anyone to know since this was her last embryo, her last hoorah.  She didn't want the barrage of questions that come post-transfer, even if the questions were coming from a good place.  She ended up telling one of her friends who was already pregnant, and I think she instantly regretted it.  After she opened that can of worms of course she was asked, "when will you know" "how are you feeling?"  Going through the transfer process is stressful enough.  Most women are nervous as shit without having to deal with other people wanting to (kindly) stick their nose in their business.  Setting boundaries for people who have good intentions is hard because you really don't want to come across as a dick, but when dealing with fertility issues your sanity is pretty dang important.  Letting the people in your life know what you're going through, and the place that they can have in the process is important.  Those who haven't dealt with fertility issues have no idea what it’s like; so to them asking, "are you pregnant yet?" might seem innocent while you're mentally murdering them when those words slip out of their dirty mouths. (Kidding, kind of.)

This is oh so personal for me.

I have lacked boundaries a good majority of my life.  I mentioned in my last blog how my relationship with my Mom is nonexistent.  She was the start of my lack of life boundaries.

My mother isn't your typical mom.  Pretty sure she never wanted me, and she let that be known for most of my life.  I let her treat me however she felt, and the loon she is her feelings for me changed as often as the fucking wind.    My mother said horrible things to me my entire life, never hugged me, never said she loved me.

 For instance; I graduated from college with my first bachelor’s degree in 3 years because my brother told me I couldn't (thanks, Justin).  Was my mom happy for me?! Absolutely not.  After I walked across the stage my mom was in a bad mood about something, came up to me and said, "You only graduated from college, why do you think you deserve more than a pat on the back."  Let me add I was the first person from my immediate family to graduate from college, and the first person from my Dad's side to ever graduate from college.  To me it was a big deal.  I let my mom say what she needed, and I said nothing back.

When I got married (WAY too young) my mom came with me after my dress was altered. In my head I envisioned one of those movie like scenes where the bride walks out in the dress, and the mother of the bride cries tears of happiness; then I remembered this was my mom.   I walked out and she looked at me and said, "You look short."  She never said anything else, not even on my wedding day.  Again, I took her snide remarks, and just kept trekking along.

Those two examples may seem small, but they were pretty important moments to me, my mother made me feel like shit and I said nothing.  I let her hurt my feelings and cross boundaries continuously.  This is just a very tiny example of how every day of my life was with this woman.

This carried on to other parts of my life as well.  Obviously the guy I married had little respect for my boundaries (The Colombia scandal, read like 15 blogs back if you're interested).  Mitch didn't know what the word boundary even meant (#NachoTwat, 3 blogs back).  I was so afraid that if I told these people that how they were acting wasn't acceptable to me, that they would leave.  I let people cross my boundaries my entire life because all I knew was to keep people happy without caring how it made ME feel.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.

My lack of boundaries is probably different than most, but either way it's important to maintain them with whatever situation life is throwing at you.  

 My give a shit about upsetting people if they cross my boundaries is at an all-time low.  I think I realized I don't want anyone in my life (including my mother) who is going to make me unhappy in any way.   Life is too wonderful to let too many assholes linger around :)