Stick with me here because I got a whole lot of feelings going on right now.
I think one of the scariest things (amongst a sea of scary things) when dealing with infertility is trying again after a failed cycle. I don't know how some of y'all do it, for reals. Giving everything you have cycle after cycle and not getting the outcome you've been dreaming of has got to be beyond defeating.
One of my most memorable patients (and up there on my list of favorites) probably would have scared most. She was a tough cookie, she looked a little sketchy like she could pull a knife out of her bra and shank you at any minute, but I liked her (I obviously kind of enjoy living on the edge). She got pregnant quickly after her first IVF cycle with twins (PGS tested), but ended up losing both of them around 10 weeks. Shocking, I know since they were tested. It was devastating, and I think her husband cried more than any man I've ever seen which was heartbreaking on its own. I didn't know when they would be ready to try again, but when she came back, she came with guns blazing (figurative guns). She was so ready, and just had the best attitude ever. She had lost some weight, had quick smoking, and was overall trying to be better. It worked because she ended up getting pregnant after her first FET since her loss, and now has a healthy baby girl.
Rebounding from such a tragic event is amazing to me. I can try to empathize the best that I can, but not living it, I just see so much strength in couples' ability to continue after situations like this. Facing their fears of transferring their last PGS embryo after losing two that they thought for 10 weeks were a sure thing, takes a complete leap of faith.
This is where my feelings come in. Starting over for me is scary too, although extremely different, still scary.
- What happens if the next one is a sociopathic weirdo just like the littlest country singer in all the land?
- What if I get hurt again? (2,230,308 time, but who's keeping track)
But really what I'm the most afraid of is that I will never feel what I felt with the unmentionable person. It was intense. I know that intense isn't always good, but I love change, adventure, excitement, the unknown and with him I got ALL that (and more). I never really knew what was to come. I bounced from city to city getting to experience things I never had, becoming more independent with each trip. Even though I could tell you 100 bad things about him and the relationship, I don't know if anything will ever be able to match the fun and excitement I felt during most of the last year of my life, and THAT is scary. Whoever comes along next is going to have the biggest, littlest (get it; because Mitch was so tiny?!?) shoes to fill. Not because he was a superstar guy that treated me amazing, but because those feelings were off the chart. Gwen says it best, "I don't know why I cry, but I think it's because I remembered for the first time since I hated you, that I used to love you." Tough pill to swallow y'all (and side note; I don't cry but that song is legit).
Starting over is scary whether it's infertility, a job, or in my case endless shit relationships :) Persistence pays off. Patience gets you further. Resilience keeps you in the game.