I think one of the hardest things in life is persevering through times where you really just want to throw yourself under your covers, turn on some shark week and kill your cardiovascular health drinking queso like it’s your job. Maybe just me?!
A previous patient (that I’m actually friends with post-infertility life) was probably one of the patients I had the hardest time helping. This woman got SHIT on. Shit on might be an understatement. Pretty much she lived underneath a manure farm. I honestly can’t count how many losses she had. Not just IUI/IVF/FET fails, but miscarriages (even late miscarriages). I see myself as a strong ass MF’er, but there was no way I could have endured what she did. There was the occasional time I saw her break a little bit, but she was so hell bent on making it work that nothing was going to stop her. (I can note that she is now over half way through her pregnancy after YEARS of failure, persistence paid off.)
Sometimes when I look at my life I wonder why the hell I ever complain. Although, through therapy I have realized it’s okay for me to complain because my issues bother me, and I don’t have to ignore that (that was $130 an hour of knowledge right there so soak that shit up). Carrying on… it’s extremely hard for me to write when I’m not boiling over with emotion (hence why I’ve been on a blog hiatus). Y’all know the country twat that broke my heart, thought I would never recover (I’m laughing so hard at Starbucks writing that because it’s THAT crazy). I obviously bounced back with a vengeance, and now here I am in an extremely happy situation that is also complicated. Add on to it, being a parent, full time graduate student, I do somewhat work, writer extraordinaire (laugh with me now)… I broke. Totally broke. I don’t try to give off the image that I have my shit together because I 100% don’t. I just threw my hands up and said, “I can’t handle all this anymore, it’s too much.” When people are so use to seeing you be outwardly strong, they don’t know what to do when you get to these breaking points. I have them all the time though, mostly my close friends only have to endure them. Thanks to my amazing childhood (sarcasm is OOZING) I have a shit ton of self-doubt, at times I’m insecure AF, I’m EXTREMELY hard on myself, and I need more reassurance than I even like to admit.
Everyone goes through points in their life when they wonder if they will get to the other side. (I just totally had a “why did the chicken cross the road moment”.) There are times where I feel like my life is Groundhogs day, and I wonder why I put myself through all the shit that I do. There are other days where I’m like holy hell I’m SO fortunate to be where I’m at. Here I come with my motivational poster quote of the week……….
“Just underneath your breaking point lies your true strength”
I hope this quote speaks to anyone going through a breaking point in their life right now. After my mini-meltdown (almost shaved my head like Britney, bitch. Kidding) I got it together, took a deep breath, and luckily was given grace. Don’t let all the pretty pictures of social media fool you into thinking that anyone goes through life without (at some point) feeling a little broken.